Yes strange......
I had a good day n for a change I was happy somewhere deep down.. that joy which i had forgotten existed....
But then suddenly out of no where another emotion over powered me.... GUILT... yes guilt.... I felt guilty of being happy...A small voice was trying to tell me tht i dont have any right to be happy n that i should stay miserable all my life....
this emotion i cant understand... or maybe i do.. i know like split personality.. i have split brain... one (which i call NOW Brain) with which i do my daily work, interact with people.. and another part ( which I Call Alternate centre or AC) which has got stuck somewhere in time n refuses to come out.. that part keeps pulling me back to my past very moment..even in my sleep.... my AC is not letting me go... even when i am talking to someone the thought process of AC is on.. n when NOW brain is not active obviously AC becomes hyperactive... Today, for a change NOW was able to take me back to my original happy state of mind for few seconds but AC overpowered it ... I sometimes feel tired of this battle I am fighting with myself.... i donno who will win because I would be the loser from both the sides.... so i donno if it matters to me.. but then again is is right to give up so easily to the scars of the past.. i donno....
hope i am able to answer these questions soon..
I had a good day n for a change I was happy somewhere deep down.. that joy which i had forgotten existed....
But then suddenly out of no where another emotion over powered me.... GUILT... yes guilt.... I felt guilty of being happy...A small voice was trying to tell me tht i dont have any right to be happy n that i should stay miserable all my life....
this emotion i cant understand... or maybe i do.. i know like split personality.. i have split brain... one (which i call NOW Brain) with which i do my daily work, interact with people.. and another part ( which I Call Alternate centre or AC) which has got stuck somewhere in time n refuses to come out.. that part keeps pulling me back to my past very moment..even in my sleep.... my AC is not letting me go... even when i am talking to someone the thought process of AC is on.. n when NOW brain is not active obviously AC becomes hyperactive... Today, for a change NOW was able to take me back to my original happy state of mind for few seconds but AC overpowered it ... I sometimes feel tired of this battle I am fighting with myself.... i donno who will win because I would be the loser from both the sides.... so i donno if it matters to me.. but then again is is right to give up so easily to the scars of the past.. i donno....
hope i am able to answer these questions soon..
fine first point to leave a comment - is i read your post from the comment page - as here that contrast colours of black and red doenst strain my eyes.
ReplyDeleteoke let me first read your post.
1. what is AC ?
nothing strange. every one goes to this state. you are smart to know you undergo..
i have been murmering this kind fir years. it is now in 6th year of this kind of murmering.
i say - i have a devil and god brain in me
i want to grow the god brain by killing the devil but the devil keep growing by killing and eating the god brian in me.